Sometimes I feel so ... young. Still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up. But then how can I also feel so capable?
When I was younger, I thought that I would know EVERYTHING by the time I was 30. Didn't everybody else? By the time I was 30, I had more questions than ever. And it was very hard to find the answers that I needed in the midst of our crazy, wonderful, busy life.
Our adventure has provided the opportunity to let go of a lot of things. Stress and worry up at the top of the list. But, also for the first time I can actually understand meditation in the moment - truly giving over all thoughts and just experiencing ... eating, cutting vegetables, folding clothes, washing dishes, walking in the hot sun, holding my daughter's hand, listening to my son's laugh, looking at my husband across the table.
It all seemed liked good advice before, but I was never truly able to empty my mind and appreciate the moment that I was in. I couldn't let go. There was a million things to do, all at the same time. And even if I couldn't possibly do them at the same time, I could do some of them and worry about the others.
This space that I've found is sacred. It comes upon me at the weirdest times as if to say - "Look, don't miss this. It is important."
I'm not sure once "normal" life creeps in if I will be able to hold onto this in its entirety. But I am hoping that I will at least be able to see a glimmer of it throughout my days.
In 40 days I will turn 40. Hurray!